It doesn’t matter how “warm and fuzzy” you feel towards your children, when they reach pre-teen and teenage years, you will begin to feel the stress mount.
These are the times you children will begin to spread their wings and hone their skills for adulthood. These are the times they will begin to voice strong opinions and do seemingly arrogant acts of defiance.
Remember these things come with the territory and are natural. Many times what “appears” to be open resistance to your rules are just a natural spurt of independence, perhaps not performed as optimally you would hope for, but nonetheless, this will happen.
First in the line of defense (for your own intellect and calmness in the situation) – use your secret weapon. Begin breathing deeply and slowly and exhaling in the same manner. This will calm you and help your brain to get the oxygen for a better response. Being reminded of our gift of breathing is not a bad thing. The more you are reminded, and use the gift, the more effectively you will handle the myriad of scenarios that will come.
Parents can make a huge difference in providing guidance and support for their teens. At times it may not seem like your teen wants you around, and he or she may not all the time, but your child really does need you and knows you care.
Try to spend positive times together. It’s impossible to love your teen too much. Try to stay close and warm. Remember to say, “I love you”.
Of course you have to set limits and structure. You have to be clear in communication and let the teen know what you expect. Rules and expectations should change throughout your child’s life, but all children need boundaries, discipline and love – and in that order.
One of the most important things is to be consistent. Be consistent with your partner, and be consistent if you are alone. Mixed messages can lead to frustration for parents and children. The children need consistency to help them to learn to structure their lives.
Try to stay involved in your teen’s life. Ask questions about school, schoolwork, and friends. Attend your teen’s extracurricular activities. Whether they say so or not, they NEED to know you are just as interested in them now as when they were younger. Meet families of those teens that spend a large portion with your teens.
Explain yourself with discussion – not with yelling and abusive language. Discuss the reasons for your rules and what consequences they may face for not following them. Respect your teen and the teen will respect you.
TRY WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT not to use HARSH discipline. Harsh discipline includes yelling, slapping, hitting, and belittling. If the situation is volatile, take a “break” and each of you pull yourself together and calm down for a while. Words cut like a knife and you don’t want to regret your years down the road. Besides, impulsive or reactive behavior just instigates a negative response from your teen and nothing will get accomplished.
Pick your arguments. There will be many opportunities to disagree, but unless the scenario is life-threatening or really may be a danger to your child, remember they do need to do a certain amount of decision making that is positive and empowering to them.
Your teen is changing. Physically, emotionally and cognitively, your teen is preparing for life as an adult in a difficult and trying world. Be patient. In the long run you will be glad you did.
Keep in mind, these youngsters are experiencing the most stress thus far in their young lives. Try to be empathetic and remember how difficult it was!
If you need to get help, look for resources locally, and on line.
If you do these things your life and the life of your teen will be one hundred percent better! Be on the teen’s side from an adult view, not another stumbling block in the path of their maturing. Remember how much you loved them before this age and still do!
Take a breath and remember:” This too shall pass”.
