If the “D” word has even entered your mind there are probably many different reasons you are considering it, particularly if you are a parent.
Women have a tendency to think they can heal their mate. It comes pretty naturally to us, and if we are still in love, or at least in serious “like”, we often think the changes will come with patience.
We also have a tendency to believe it is always better for the children to have the mom and dad stay together. Neither one of those thoughts are necessarily true!
In previous generations it was taught the couple with children stayed together even if they really had no reason being together. I know a couple that have been together fifty-three years and they have been miserable most of the time. I don’t think it made a difference to either of their children. They grew up seeing the “boss and the slave”. What a legacy.
Though the concern as a parent, for a two parent family is a real one, sometimes staying together can really be horrible for the children, aside from downright dangerous. I want to be clear I am only speaking of the relationship of a husband and wife, a man and woman. That is my only expertise in the matter, though I know some thoughts may pertain to other couples.
When you go before the court factors that determine the breakdown of the marriage include “irreconcilable differences”. This can include whether there is a mutual concern for the emotion needs of each other, resentment, distrust, constant bickering, and irreversible antagonistic feelings.
That last one is important to consider. Have you found yourself feeling hostility towards your mate, or opposition to just about everything he says or does? Do you resent his decisions in his discipline of the children? Have you said to yourself, “I hate him? I can’t stand him. I don’t love him anymore.”
Have you given him every opportunity to work together, and the support to do whatever it takes for you two to make it, and you find yourself saying, “I can’t do this anymore.”
Time to divorce, I’d say. Part of the antagonistic feelings could be born from his addiction (drugs or alcohol), physical or mental abuse, or his lack of moral character (cheating on you). When was the last time you remember being spontaneous about fun together, or excited to kiss and make love? I don’t mean have sex – I mean the really good affection and lovemaking.
If he rules the roost and you hate him for it and have to lie to him…….
If he hasn’t let you be a partner in the “making of a home” (decoration and furniture, etc.)…..
If he is wonderful to you in public and then turns into another person when you are alone with the family…..
If your spiritual beliefs are strong and there is no union here, what will you teach the children, and with how much fighting involved?
I’d say you are ready to get an attorney if you can relate to these things. Not all of them, but some of them.
I am not saying you are not in part to blame, but we are not talking about the blame game. We are talking about reality.
YOU KNOW within you it’s time, perhaps its way past time, and I know it’s difficult to see your dreams dashed, have a broken heart, and begin again, but do you really in your heart of hearts want your children to learn about relationships from you and your husband? Children learn what they see. Too often they repeat what they learn.
Think about it. Before irreparable damage is done to the children, and yourself, be true to yourself. We all make mistakes and a divorce will not be the end of the world for you and your children.
Trust me on this one. I am rather an expert in the matter and all those tears and feelings of fear you have, will subside with time. Joy will return to you and your children. It all depends on how you handle what is bound to happen anyway! Admit it.
You can have a no-fault divorce in most states, and proof is not necessary. When it comes to the children, we have more to discuss, including your behavior as a divorcee.
I so seriously believe in God. He is the only one who can understand our motives and forgive us. I do not believe, let me repeat, I DO NOT BELIEVE that God wants you to live in misery and jeopardy for the balance of your life. If you are not happy, even if you have both parents together, I guarantee the children will suffer. You are the stability, as a mama, for your children. You are the protectors.
I will post tonight, but this subject has a long way to go before I consider it finished. Please be patient. The next post will be soon, and will be helpful in where to go during and after finalizing your decision.
My prayers and heart will be with you. I have been there (and in more tough positions that you can imagine, for one woman); you will survive and thrive, and so will your children.