Some people don’t even realize this is abuse is happening!
We all grew up believing that physical abuse was the thing that hurt the most but if you have ever experienced a verbally abusive relationship, you know that words can feel as though they are literally killing your soul.
Physical abuse, those sticks and stones, leave visible marks, the kind you can see and show someone else, so they understand what’s happening to you, what damage is being done to you. Abusive words don’t leave visible marks of any sort and their use can be so cunning and insidious that you’re damaged before you even realize what is being done to you. No scars, no marks, no visible signs of hurt to show someone, to ask for help. This is a HUGE stressor for MEN and WOMEN both!
Verbal abusers pick their victims well and most of the time they keep the abuse behind closed doors with no witnesses. Their public persona is so totally different than the one they save for the one who bears the force of their cutting words. If anyone is going to look foolish or petty, it will be the victim who seeks help from family or friends who only experience the “good” side of the abuser.
Verbal abuse isn’t just shouting profanities; it is finding a sensitive spot and working on it. Joking about a tender subject and when the abused person reacts (as the abuser expected) telling them that they “are too sensitive” or that they “need to grow up” or that they “are stupid” or some other negative put-down remark to further demean.
A person who has been verbally abused may believe they are worthless, not capable of the simplest tasks. When it comes from a parent, it is particularly devastating. Many times an abused child grows up and becomes the abuser, although they don’t necessarily recognize their actions as being abusive.
All relationships are going to have times of arguing and harsh words. That’s a normal part of a normal relationship. It leads to “kiss and make up” and the relationship continues on having cleared the air of issues that needed to be dealt with. Both partners say they’re sorry, they both admit to their mistakes. They apologize.
Abusers may apologize, although most don’t, but even with apologies they won’t stop the abuse. Even if they say they’re sorry, and most won’t, they aren’t sorry enough to stop the abuse.
IF ANY OF THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR TO YOU – SEEK HELP! The stress of the verbal abuse is damaging enough, but if it continues, it will stress your body too!
If your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or family member is being abusive to you, are you willing to accept it knowing that your son or daughter will learn from you that abusive behavior is acceptable? Learn what you can do to break the legacy of abuse within your family. Get counseling for yourself and your children even if your spouse denies there is a problem.
Life is too short to spend it being verbally or otherwise abused.
Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming people in public. They treat their spouse or friends with such respect that people often think they “are the perfect couple.” They save their abuse and cruelty for a private audience, remember. Verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can, and sometimes does, turn physical.
Many abusers are obviously verbally cruel and abusive. Others are subtle.
Although verbal abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-image. Verbal abuse is cruel and scars your soul
Many of us never discuss verbal abuse. Indeed, some do not even recognize they are being verbally abused.
Often a verbal abuser is sensitive to outsiders finding out about the abuse and is very careful to save these scenes for the home environment only. MANY verbal abusers were abused themselves and do not even recognize what they are doing.
During the courtship period, everyone is on best behavior. The verbal abuse is slight (often not there temporarily). Since humans want to believe the best of their lovers, they overlook some obvious verbal abuse. Individual chemistry and history adds to the capability some people have to overlook the first subtle signs of abuse.
Then they marry or move in together. And the abuse starts…
Verbal abuse can destroy confidence.
One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As one begins to internalize the criticism and believe it’s valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, and unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then “it must be true.”
Many people find themselves staying in place until verbal abuse has nearly destroyed self-esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold on to him.
The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm making people doubt their own instincts.
If the individual challenges the abuser, that person might turn on the charm making the instinct sink even further. Children often believe they are the culprits and causing this behavior.
Some abusers have stock answers when challenged. He might answer with:
“What’s wrong with you, making such a big deal out of nothing.
“Come on, honey, I was drunk.”
“Honey, I love you but sometimes you cause this.”
“I had a bad day at work.”
“You’re not really going to bring this up again, are you? This is getting old.”
“I was upset with my ex.”
“You know I didn’t mean anything I said. I’m the one who loves you more than anyone else in the world loves you–remember.”
If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened. Outside help may be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your “charmer” and don’t offer belief or support. They think you are crazy not to marry this man.
Make plans to create a better environment for you. Don’t stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving.
Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical.
Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer ‘yes’ to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look:
Does your partner:
Ignore your feelings?
Disrespect you?
Ridicule or insult you then tell you it’s a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
Ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
Withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
Give you the silent treatment?
Walk away without answering you?
Criticize you, call you names, and yell at you?
Humiliate you privately or in public?
Roll his or her eyes when you talk?
Give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
Make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don’t feel well?
Seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won’t get?
Tell you that you are too sensitive?
Hurt you especially when you are down?
Seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
Have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
Present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
“Twist” your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
Try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
Complain about how badly you treat him or her?
Threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
Say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
Ever left you stranded?
Ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
Ever hit or pushed you, even “accidentally”?
Seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
Abuse something you love: a pet, a child, and an object?
Compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
Promise to never do something hurtful again?
Harass you about imagined affairs?
Manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
Destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, and break appliances?
Drive like a road-rage junkie?
Act immature and selfish; yet accuse you of those behaviors?
Question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
Interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
Make you feel like you can’t win? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t?
Use drugs and/or alcohol involved? Are things worse then?
Incite you to rage, which is “proof” that you are to blame?
Try to convince you he or she is “right,” while you are “wrong?”
Frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
Treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?
Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior.
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel it’s somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change…especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.
If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women’s shelter, educate yourself, and seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!
DO NOT LET THE STRESS OF VERBAL ABUSE control your life any more! If you think it will lessen, don’t be naive. If you think it will go away, it won’t. Only you can STOP it!