It isn’t easy making the actual move from marriage, to divorce. This is particularly true with children. I’ve been there, and sadly, more than once.
What qualifies any opinion from me, in part, is my background in counseling women, and working to united mind, body and spirit. I heard many true stories and they have been filed within my own mind. A second reason I feel qualified is that I have been there, and through my own failure to makes changes, and poor choices I spent many wasted years trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed.
The third reason is I am a human being who actually cares. Even if I don’t know you, I don’t want anyone to suffer unnecessarily. I’ve suffered too many times to mention, and many times it just wasn’t necessary! I thank God for the strength He has given me to accept new “lives” and to move onward and upward.
Lastly, remember, this is my opinion – opinion being the primary word here. It may not be gospel for you, as we are each different, but I want to pass on the truth I know and that which been the most helpful in my life.
You can only follow your own path and find the truth for you.. I just want you to remember when you feel so emotional you could collapse, flip over to your intellect and let the emotions subside. Take a breath slowly. Do it again. We are capable of doing just that, going from emotion to intellect, and it is important. Intellect is rational. Emotions can be like a wild pony – out of control.
If you are ready for divorce, you will really know it in your heart, with four exceptions:
- “Justifying” your decisions
- A lack of courage to move forward
- Plain fear of retribution
When I divorced (with children) my children were 5 years old, 7 years old and 11 years
old. Admittedly my first thoughts were I COULD NOT GO ANY FURTHER IN LIFE THIS WAY. I had tried everything I knew to reconcile. I forgave, I went to counseling, I did whatever I could to make it right. My first thought was I could go no further.
My second thoughts were I knew the children would suffer because of this relationship.
I felt guilty to take their father away, but mama said, “he’s never there, he never takes a part in the work of raising the children, and he is abusive in his words, taking the disciple way over the top…not hitting, but verbally abusing,which to me,lasts far longer than hitting.
It will never be easy to quell you mind and cooly say “oh, I’m done.” It will take courage and I hope, your faith in God and prayer, to step across the line from delusion and default to reality and peace .
Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
If you think your husband is verbally abusive to you, or too harsh with the children NOW, what will happen when the “children are old enough to know better”?
Do you think that your fighting with your husband is a good example to show the children a relationship?
If your husband has an addiction will he ever stop, or are you in the midst of self-deception?
Have you heard yourself say, “Well, he is the children’s father. They need a father.”
Have you ever thought you hate your husband?
The answers to these few questions should make your position and the validity of your moving towards a divorce a bit clearer. Re-read the questions and be honest with yourself.
If you live in fear that he will be violent, what the hell are you doing still with him?
Violence isn’t exclusive to adults. Children have been killed – “Oh, it was an accident!”
Do you want to live the rest of your life as it has been just the past year or two?
Think about it. There is help out there. THERE IS NO guarantee of time. Soon you will turn around and say, “Oh my gosh, I’ve just thrown away the last twelve years of my life….and if you do that, I will guarantee, your children will have suffered.
Is it better for them to have an abusive dad? A drunken dad? A dad that lies and cheats?
A dad that is violent? Or no “example” of a dad.
There are a world of people (men and women) who can help you. It takes a village to raise a child, and you are NOT alone!
PLEASE-PLEASE-PLEASE, don’t back up and let him pass YOUR LINE of demarcation over and over again, it only shows him how to manipulate you and gain more control over you. Make a decision, stick to it, and move on it, for your sake and the sakes of your children.
Allow yourself to grieve, by yourself or with other adults. It’s not easy giving up a dream, but it it’s become a nightmare, it should be easier. Grieve and move on.
Stand tall and be excited about a new life. Stay positive. GET IN THE HABIT of having no doubt it was the right decision and make a plan. Be sure to include the children and have fun for their sake. Also, remember to let them know, in NO WAY was this their fault.
Pray before you speak and ask God to give you the words for the little ones.
Albert Einstein once said: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Sound familiar?