Stress Management Magic

Anger is defined as strong emotions:  wrath, aggravation, being annoyed, bothered, exasperated, furious, irritated, outraged, and antagonized.  If you are reading this there is a reason.  Please take a few slow breaths of oxygen as you continue.  Inhale slowly and exhale slowly.  You are on the right path.

The emotions, INCLUDING “a sense of injury” and a desire to retaliate, (which are sometimes disguised, even to the individual who is angry) can be dangerous emotions.   You can be almost out of control.  It happens to millions of people. However, if anger is left unmanaged, the anger can escalate to violence, and the loss of control for one moment, has the potential to destroy your life and perhaps someone else’s!  This is not an exaggeration. Statistics are a witness to acts of violence and the consequences paid.

If you feel your anger is tipping the scales, please answer the follow questions honestly.

1.  What does anger REALLY resolve?

2.  Do you REALLY want to devastate your body chemistry?

3.  Do you REALLY have good reason to hurt family, friends, and peers?

4.  Can you think of more appropriate ways to handle the situations?

5.  Is your anger REALLY aimed at someone else, or is it yourself?

Fact: Anger does not resolve anything. When you feel angry leave the room.  Go to someplace alone and do two things.  Take for to five deep breaths slowly and exhale slowly.  This concentrating on getting increased oxygen will divert your attention from the problem, for the moment.  It actually has a calming effect on your mind and body.

Fact:  When you are angry just once in a while, though the chemicals in your body are thrown into an abnormal state, the damage is not permanent.  When you get angry all the time you actually are setting yourself up for disaster, both physically, and mentally.

Fact:  While breathing to calm down, say a short prayer, or mantra several times.  Examples:  “God please help me to calm down.” or “I feel calm now.”  Say whatever you choose to help several times.

Fact:  Your angry words can cut like a knife and ultimately are capable of destroying any relationship.  Angry words lead to angry actions.  Since we are creatures of habit, if you ALLOW this anger to control you, you are jeopardizing everyone in your circle of life – including you!  Heart attacks have happened because of this negative habit!

There are better ways to handle tough scenarios.  Take a time out for finding your intellect instead of relying on emotions.  Walk away.  Seek counseling.

Have a family meeting and set rules.  There is always a better way than “lack of self-control.”

Fact:   Think of this.  Sometimes your anger may actually be misguided frustration in handling a situation that is either out of your control, or out of the realm of you actually knowing what to do.  It happens!  Anger at one’s self can be twisted and manifest as anger to another.

If you have a child, you may have felt anger when you couldn’t locate the child for a time.  Perhaps he or she was only playing somewhere out of your sight, but by the time you discovered the child your pent up WORRY had turned into anger; actually kind of a retaliation towards the child for your discomfort.

There are reasons to be angry, but do not let the anger destroy your life and ruin the lives of the people around you.  There are men and women in prison for the rest of their lives for that moment of anger that was mismanaged.

Exercise your brain to think of a way to get out of this useless “anger pit” before you dig your way into a grave.  PRACTICE new thoughts.  Even if you don’t feel satisfied at first, you must continue to try to create more positive brain cells.  If you must, take a pillow and beat it!  Get a punching bag and use it until you are exhausted, and calmer.  Go for a run.  There are alternatives to anger.

PLEASE – IF YOU NEED HELP – AND YOU KNOW IT INNATELY – GET HELP BEFORE IT ESCALATES!  There are anger management classes, social service organizations, and many other places to seek help.  Talk to someone at a church.  There is help available.

Right now:  take in a slow, deep breath (through the nose).  Hold it a few seconds remembering this will physically help to calm you down.  Exhale (through the mouth) and visualize that anger subsiding as you get rid of the carbon dioxide.  Do this again slowly.  YOUR MIND AND BODY WILL RESPOND WITH A CALMER YOU, CAPABLE OF RESPONDING AND NOT REACTING.

Anger out of control can lead to violence.  Violence can lead to irreparable damage.  In many cases anger can, and has been a straight path to jail!  Think about it and see help now if you feel out of control rage.  PLEASE!

Learn to Relax and relive these areas Right now!

When you are stuck in traffic you can feel the tension rising.

The kids are arguing and it’s getting irritating.

Work has been unusually hard and your peers haven’t helped.

These are just a few of the tension scenarios that can cause your shoulders to be tense, your neck to ache, your head to feel as if it is going to blow off your neck.  These three areas are the places where we hold much of our tension-the “stress triangle”, a phrase coined elsewhere, but absolutely correct.

Learning to release the tension in these muscles can really help us relax and de-stress.

Find the areas in need of help

If you place your right hand on your left shoulder, and move your fingers halfway in toward your neck, you are at one point of the triangle.  The second point is the same place off your right shoulder.  The third point is on your forehead, between your eyes.

Why tense muscles hurt

Muscles tighten to protect you!  That’s right.  We are talking about the muscles preparing for the “fight or flight” scenario.

But you don’t need that protection for everyday stresses.  When your muscle shortens, and then holds that position, waste products from muscle activity get trapped (metabolites).  This causes pain.  The pain is released when the muscle regains its natural length by relaxing.

Stretch away tension

The following simple stretches can help relieve tightness in your “stress triangle.”  Always remember when you do these stretches that mindful breathing aids in the relaxation process.

1.  Neck roll.  Stretch your right ear to you right shoulder, keeping your left shoulder pulled down.  Roll you head down so you chin is on your chest.  Continue on to your left side.  Do rolls from side to side.  Begin with eight, build up to sixteen

2.  Shoulder shrug.  Using one shoulder at a time, draw big circles.  Do two or three to start, and build up to eight times, going forward, then back.

3.  Pick Fruit.  With one hand, reach up as if you are picking fruit from an apple tree slightly ahead and far above you.  Go from one arm to the other, building up to eight times on each side.

4.  Self-massage.  Use your right hand to massage your left shoulder, and your left hand to massage your right shoulder.

Work your fingers gently, but firmly, beginning with your shoulder blade and moving up toward the neck. Include the scalp in this mini-massage.  Use your oxygen to help the relaxation

5.  Standing body roll.  Let your head roll forward until your chin is on your chest.  Keep rolling down as your knees begin to bend.  When your hands are hanging near your knees, rest there a moment and slowly roll back up.  Work up to ten times.

A welcome release of tension

At home, at work, or wherever you are, just take a few moments to do one or all of these simple stretches.  Use them once an hour if you feel tension mounting.  After doing these a few times, and comparing the different feeling of tense muscles verses relaxed muscles, you will absolutely feel like it’s well worth it for a few minutes of your time.  You will feel better and prevent tension from building up in your body.

Try these.  You will like the results!

We all grew up believing that physical abuse was the thing that hurt the most but if you have ever experienced a verbally abusive relationship, you know that words can feel as though they are literally killing your soul. They will also stay active in your minds for years if left unattended.

Physical abuse can leave visible marks, the kind you can see and show someone else so they understand what’s happening to you. People can see damage being done to you. Abusive words don’t leave visible marks of any sort.  Verbal abuse can be so cunning and insidious the damage is done before you even realize what is being done to you. There are no scars, no visible signs of hurt to show someone to ask for help.

Verbal abusers pick their victims. Most of the time they keep the abuse behind closed doors with no witnesses. The abuser’s public image is so totally different than the one they show to their victim. If anyone is going to look foolish or petty, it will be the victim who seeks help from family or friends.  They only see the “good” side of the abuser.

Verbal abuse isn’t just shouting profanities; it is finding a sensitive spot and working on it.  Joking about a tender subject when the abused person reacts (as the abuser expected) telling them that they “are too sensitive”, some other negative put-down remark to further demean.

A person who has been verbally abused may believe they are worthless, not capable of the simplest tasks, not worthy of living on this earth. When it comes from a parent, it is particularly devastating. Many times an abused child grows up and becomes the abuser, although they don’t necessarily recognize their actions as being abusive.

All relationships are going to have times of arguing some harsh words. That is a normal part of a normal relationship as it evolves. In a healthy relationship it leads clearing the air of issues that needed to be dealt with; it leads to healthy conversations and a resolve.  Both partners say they’re sorry, they both admit to their mistakes. They may even apologize.

Abusers may apologize, although most don’t, but even with apologies they won’t stop the abuse. Even if they say they’re sorry, they aren’t sorry enough to stop the abuse.

Think about this, if your spouse or boyfriend, or family member were being abusive to you, would you accept it knowing that your son or daughter will probably be abused, and ultimately will learn from you that abusive behavior is acceptable?

You need to learn what you can do to break the legacy of abuse within your family. Get counseling for yourself and your children even if your spouse denies there is a problem.

Life is too short to spend it being verbally or otherwise abused. If you saw it happening to your child would you allow it?

Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming people in public. They treat their spouse or partner with such respect that people often think they “are the perfect couple”. They save their abuse and cruelty for a private audience.  Know this: verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical.

Many people are obviously verbally cruel and abusive. Others are subtler.

Physical abuse may leave injury for a time, but more often than not, the injury heals.  Verbal abuse it is often more seriously damaging to your self-image. Verbal abuse is cruel and scars your soul.

Many people never discuss verbal abuse. Indeed, some do not even recognize that they are being verbally abused.  Quite often the person being abused makes excuses for the abuser.

“…..really doesn’t mean to hurt me.”

“I don’t want to break up.  I have children.”

“…..will stop because he/she loves me.”

Verbal abusers are usually quite sensitive to outsiders finding out about the abuse. No one outside the home may ever see the side the abused person knows only too well

Why do intelligent, warm men and women permit verbal abuse?

During the courtship period, everyone is on his or her best behavior. The verbal abuse is slight and probably few and far between. Since everyone wants to believe the best of their lovers, they overlook obvious verbal abuse. Chemistry adds to the capability women have to overlook the first subtle signs of abuse.

Then they marry or move in together. And the abuse starts…

One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As the abused person begins to internalize the criticism and believe it’s valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, and unlovable.  After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then “it must be true.”

If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn on the charm and even make her doubt her instincts. This lowers her self-confidence even further.

Abusers have stock answers when challenged.

“What’s wrong with you, making such a big deal out of nothing.

“Come on, honey, I was drunk…..

“Honey, I love you but sometimes you…”

“I had a bad day at work…” or “I had a bad day with the kids”

“You know I didn’t mean anything I said. I’m the one who loves you more than anyone else in the world loves you–remember.”

If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do. Outside help may be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your mate and don’t offer belief or support.

Make plans to create a better environment for you.  Don’t stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving

Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer ‘yes’ to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look. These things are universal traits of an abuser.

Does your partner:

Ignore your feelings

Disrespect you?

Ridicule or insult you then tell you it’s a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?

Ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?

Withhold approval, appreciation or affection?

Give you the silent treatment?

Walk away without answering you?

Criticize you, call you names, and yell at you?

Humiliate you privately or in public?

Roll his or her eyes when you talk?

Give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?

Make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don’t feel well?

Seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won’t get?

Tell you are too sensitive?

Hurt you especially when you are down?

Seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?

Have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?

Present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?

“Twist” your words, somehow turning what you said against you?

Try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?

Complain about how badly you treat him or her?

Threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?

Say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?

Ever left you stranded?

Ever threaten to hurt you or your family?

Ever hit or pushed you, even “accidentally”?

Seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?

Abuse something you love: a pet, a child, and an object?

Compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?

Promise to never do something hurtful again?

Harass you about imagined affairs?

Manipulate you with lies and contradictions?

Destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, and break appliances?

Drive like a road-rage junkie?

Act immature and selfish; yet accuse you of those behaviors?

Question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?

Interrupt you; hear but not really listen?

Make you feel like you can’t win? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t?

Use drugs and/or alcohol involved? Are things worse then?

Incite you to rage, which is  “proof” that you are to blame?

Try to convince you he or she is “right,” while you are “wrong?”

Frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?

Treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

You express your opinions less and less freely.

You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.

You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.

You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior.

You feel emotionally unsafe.

You feel it’s somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.

You hope things will change…especially through your love and understanding.

You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.

You doubt your own judgment.

You doubt your abilities.

You feel vulnerable and insecure.

You are becoming increasingly depressed.

You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.

You have been or are afraid of your partner.

Your partner has physically hurt you, even once

If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women’s shelter, educate yourself, and seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!

Did you know that if you choose to listen to music that flows along with the natural heart rate you could relax your mind and lower your stress level.

Music has been used therapeutically for years in mental health settings, but it was discovered only a decade or so ago that it can have dramatic effects in the realm of physically healing persons in intensive care units.

In particular studies at one hospital, observations were made of levels of heart rate, blood pressure and medication needs. There were significant decreases recorded in patient anxiety, heart rates, and blood pressure levels when selected music was played.

Initial observations in the studies prompted the use of music in surgery, pre-op, recovery and other areas in the hospital.  One of the most dramatic results of the use of music in the surgical areas was a fifty percent reduction in the need for anesthetics.

Currently over one hundred hospitals and research centers use music as a therapeutic way to relax, and as a way to enhance the patient’s ability to relax.

Pain sufferers have been found to benefit from musical listening not only for relaxation, but an adjunct for mental imagery development.  The emotional power of music has long been recognized.  It is the real power of these emotions that is of recent discovery.

There is a growing field of therapy which ranges from group therapy to individual counseling in which the individuals use music and images to promote healing in an institutional setting.  Still some question the value, but acceptance of its value is spreading.  Anything that can help a patient cope or even thrive in an unfamiliar, and often-impersonal setting, such as a hospital, could be a valuable resource.

Now think about the music that is played while you shop for groceries, or in a department store, or an office.  You’ve heard the different types of music.

Did you know that many grocery stores gear the type music they play to the preferred music of the “average age” shopper?

Think about when you drive up to a stoplight and you hear loud music, usually with a loud base tone, and how it makes you feel.  Example:  rap or hard rock.

Perhaps you’ve been in high intensity aerobics or kick-boxing;

the music is probably “pumped up” with a steady beat to promote that kind of movement.  All music CAN serve a purpose.

For stressful times, CHOOSE to listen to with a calm and light feeling, type of music, perhaps, with no lyrics.  You won’t be forced to listen to someone else’s thoughts, but find yourself listening to yourself.

The rhythm will begin to slow your heart rate and lower your blood pressure.  Even while driving in traffic, if the selection of your music is calming to your heart and mind, it will calm your demeanor.

Try it and you will find after changing the habit of playing high-energy music, you will begin to feel relaxation coming on as the music plays.   Music can be a thoroughly pleasurable aid to managing your stress.

Unmanaged, it is life threatening!

The corrosive hormones sent coursing through the blood, and the aggravations not managed well in life, over the years, (University of California, San Francisco study) triggers damage at the cellular level.  The damage is LIFE ALTERING.  Some of the loss includes depression, heart disease, obesity, rage that causes heart attacks, loss of relationships and family, and the list goes on!

STRESSES never end.  They are a part of life. Whether they are good stresses or bad ones, stress is a part of all our lives, and will be until the day we breathe our last breath.

That is why we absolutely must practice “breathing and relaxation” techniques.  – It’s like using a muscle – when you use it, feed it, exercise and stretch it, when you pay attention to it, your muscle becomes stronger, and healthier, and refined in shape and size.  We ARE creatures of habit.  We need to exercise our ability to create new stress management habits.

You can change

You can change your response to any stress by changing your thoughts.  No matter what you have been through, or experienced, changing your thoughts can alter your way of handling and dealing with events.  You can do this by replacing certain thought patterns with other thought patterns.

Whatever thought patterns dominate your thinking will determine not only your future thoughts, but also the very quality of your life experience.  Therefore, what you think is extremely important!

A product of your environment

Your thoughts are often a product of your environment. The people around you, the physical environment around you, the things around you (TV, books, newspapers, magazines, movies, the internet), all affect the way you think.

You can change the way you think by changing those things around you and your relationship to those things. You must be willing to do it.

No one method of an application of techniques to manage stress will handle all stress, but once you will find your own path, and begin to achieve your goals, you will FEEL BETTER. You will accept the challenges of life’s stresses with a new perspective.  It will happen!

You must switch negative thoughts to positive ones; changing from “I can’t” to “I can.”  You must be willing to try change, and willing to repeat what you are learning until it becomes a natural part of you that clicks into gear without even trying.

There are many modems of learning techniques.  This site is one, and there are hundreds more available.  Join a class to learn techniques, buy a video and watch it faithfully, find a personal consultant, meet with family members experiencing similar difficulties, or join a group seeking the same goals.

Any step you take is WONDERFUL!   A baby step is better than no step at all.  This is YOUR LIFE!

Bathes are not strictly for women.  They are for all of us.  People of all ages spend money and time going some place to swim, or sit in a hot Jacuzzi.  Water is one of our most underrated and underappreciated gifts.  You bathtub is perfect for a light workout, water therapy and RELAXATION.

It’s cost effective and readily available without a reservation!

You will need these things for your productive, healing and peaceful bathing time:

1.  Music.  You must have music.  Make sure you are “electrically” safe, or not hooked to any electricity at all is preferable.  Use your Ipod, portable headset and player, a radio, or whatever you have, and make sure your music flows with your natural heart rate.  It should feel gentle and soulful. Music that is simpatico with your heart rate will enhance your relaxation.

2.  A candle, or a few candles, safely placed in areas to enhance the ambiance.  If you don’t have candles then simply try to make the lighting in the room soft for your eyes.

3.  Find a fragrance to capture within the room.  Try flowers, incense, and a splash of your favorite perfume or cologne to reward your sense of smell.

4.  You need a small cervical pillow with a waterproof cover – or simply a large towel rolled to place at your neck for comfort and support.

5.  Bubble bath, oil or whatever will nourish your skin.  Your skin will cover you all your life.  Keep it supple.

6.  A body sponge, pumice stone and / or wash rag.

7.  Epsom salts to add to your bath water for helping muscles and ligaments.

Set the scene while you run a hot bath.  Grab two soft towels and plan on twenty or thirty minutes alone.  Make a “do not disturb sign”.  Make your bath a reward in the comfort of your own home.  Only you and your family should have bathtub privileges.  Let the guests use a shower.

Now you are ready for this “stress management magic to begin

1.  Step into the tub (after it’s clean, of course), and when you first start drawing the hot water for your bath.  As the water fills the tub, sit down and paddle your arms side to side so the temperature stays even throughout the tub.

2.  When the tub is filled (I personally love a bubble bath), lean back on the towel or pillows and begin these easy stretches and movements.  Lift one leg slightly, and rotate you ankles in both directions.  Point and flex toes and then flex them, pressing them towards your chest.  Lightly massage the leg and foot and then alternate to opposite sight.  Repeat the movements.  As you are doing these things slowly breathe in and out.  Make the breaths deep and long, and relaxed.

3.  With hands in the water clench your fists.  Open the fingers wide and stretch them as far as you can.   Wiggle the fingers. Pull the water through your fingers.  Visualize how light the water is and yet how powerful.  You too can be “light in thoughts” yet powerful…if you manage your stress effectively.

4.  Remove the pillow and gently place your neck on the highest point of the tub itself.  If you need to, slide down in the water a bit.  Slowly, with mindful breathing, rotate the head from side to side.  Do it several times.

Next, press your chin towards your chest.  Hold it for a few moments and release.  As you do this note the stretch for your spine. Youth depends greatly on the suppleness of the spine.

When you decide to finish the bath, use warm water to rinse, splashing it first of the face and then the body.  It will be stimulating for your circulation and finish the cleansing part of the bath.  (Of course you have already soaped down and washed this body you live in!)

Be creative in the water and enjoy the healing properties and the time you have to simply concentrate on YOUR BATH!

“What exactly does that mean?” you may ask.

It means simply that while you may be an expert at managing all the tasks at hand – whether it means completing a report at the office, finishing a term paper, or multi-tasking for three or four school age children, who have different directions to go, you don’t know how to manage yourself!

You may feel an overload of stress and rather overwhelmed, but you make sure everything is done to the best of your ability. The stressors mount and you pile them neatly within your mind, to deal with later, “when you have time”.

The disaster comes when a “trigger” sets of a string of emotions, in motion, and you have not yet to learned to manage you!

Negative stress is DISTRESS.  Distress causes failure.  Overworking and not coping can destroy your life.  We all experience distress from time to time, it is normal, and unavoidable part of living, but long term chronic stress is positively dangerous and can lead to severe mental and physical disability.

The good news is that you are actively seeking help or you wouldn’t be reading this post right now.  That is an excellent beginning.

Follow up with the same kind of plan you would improvise for work, or school, or the family.  Self-management is an essential skill to deal with all your psychological and physical stress.

Take the time to set you own personal goals.  Create clear goals for everything from exercise to nutrition.  Make room for a class in meditation or yoga.

Begin to take “mini-breathing” breaks throughout the day.  Just take a minute or two at your convenience, using deep inhalations and slow exhalations, fully exhaling.  As you inhale think: I am regenerating my oxygen machine.”  As you exhale think:  I am releasing negative and limiting thoughts.”

Stretch just a bit throughout the day, as well.  Simple stretches will do.  Arms overhead, hands clasp and stretching forward, gently rolling the head from shoulder to shoulder, pointing the toes and then pressing them back towards your body – any or all of these will really help keep you more relaxed.

Remember that if you fall apart you won’t be any good for anyone!  All those professional and personal dreams will fade away if you don’t care for you!

It doesn’t matter how “warm and fuzzy” you feel towards your children, when they reach pre-teen and teenage years, you will begin to feel the stress mount.

These are the times you children will begin to spread their wings and hone their skills for adulthood.  These are the times they will begin to voice strong opinions and do seemingly arrogant acts of defiance.

Remember these things come with the territory and are natural.  Many times what “appears” to be open resistance to your rules are just a natural spurt of independence, perhaps not performed as optimally you would hope for, but nonetheless, this will happen.

First in the line of defense (for your own intellect and calmness in the situation) – use your secret weapon. Begin breathing deeply and slowly and exhaling in the same manner.  This will calm you and help your brain to get the oxygen for a better response.  Being reminded of our gift of breathing is not a bad thing.  The more you are reminded, and use the gift, the more effectively you will handle the myriad of scenarios that will come.

Parents can make a huge difference in providing guidance and support for their teens.  At times it may not seem like your teen wants you around, and he or she may not all the time, but your child really does need you and knows you care.

Try to spend positive times together.  It’s impossible to love your teen too much.  Try to stay close and warm.  Remember to say, “I love you”.

Of course you have to set limits and structure.  You have to be clear in communication and let the teen know what you expect.  Rules and expectations should change throughout your child’s life, but all children need boundaries, discipline and love – and in that order.

One of the most important things is to be consistent.  Be consistent with your partner, and be consistent if you are alone.  Mixed messages can lead to frustration for parents and children.  The children need consistency to help them to learn to structure their lives.

Try to stay involved in your teen’s life.  Ask questions about school, schoolwork, and friends.  Attend your teen’s extracurricular activities.  Whether they say so or not, they NEED to know you are just as interested in them now as when they were younger.  Meet families of those teens that spend a large portion with your teens.

Explain yourself with discussion – not with yelling and abusive language.  Discuss the reasons for your rules and what consequences they may face for not following them.  Respect your teen and the teen will respect you.

TRY WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT not to use HARSH discipline.  Harsh discipline includes yelling, slapping, hitting, and belittling.  If the situation is volatile, take a “break” and each of you pull yourself together and calm down for a while.  Words cut like a knife and you don’t want to regret your years down the road.  Besides, impulsive or reactive behavior just instigates a negative response from your teen and nothing will get accomplished.

Pick your arguments.  There will be many opportunities to disagree, but unless the scenario is life-threatening or really may be a danger to your child, remember they do need to do a certain amount of decision making that is positive and empowering to them.

Your teen is changing.  Physically, emotionally and cognitively, your teen is preparing for life as an adult in a difficult and trying world.  Be patient.  In the long run you will be glad you did.

Keep in mind, these youngsters are experiencing the most stress thus far in their young lives.  Try to be empathetic and remember how difficult it was!

If you need to get help, look for resources locally, and on line.

If you do these things your life and the life of your teen will be one hundred percent better!  Be on the teen’s side from an adult view, not another stumbling block in the path of their maturing.  Remember how much you loved them before this age and still do!

Take a breath and remember:” This too shall pass”.

Stress “Unmanaged” Will cause violence in a staggering number of people. It is almost inevitable!

Whether we choose to believe it or not, stress unmanaged will ultimately cause violence in many people.  Domestic violence, abuse towards children, intimate partners, (regardless of gender) and the elderly is on the rise.

Stress unmanaged can change of the body chemistry and can do can do infinite damage to credible brain function management. Anger causes words to cut to the heart, and actions to damage the recipient for his or her entire life in many circumstances.

Don’t be fooled.  Don’t be naïve.

There is a boiling point for water and for human emotions.  Whether the water stays in the pot or boils over, ultimately that, which is in the circumference of the pot, can be damaged or ruined entirely. .

Such is it with human behavior. Consequences of unmanaged stresses inflict suffering and can be life threatening.

Family conflicts are usually the result of stresses created in dysfunctional families.  Low levels of family conflict are warning signs for families that they are at risk of much greater abuse.  Any family member may intentionally or unintentionally contribute to the escalation of violence.

Stress is often created by feelings of hopelessness and or helplessness.  Other things that add to that could be excessive work hours, financial strain, and alcohol or drug abuse.

Personality disorders and/or early traumatic life experiences often predispose people to use violence in their own family relationships as adults.

Arguments created by stress can escalate.  Spontaneous arguments can lead to threats or actual physical assaults…without specific patterns, but they almost invariably escalate to more serious and injurious physical assaults.

We like to think “things” will resolve, or time will pass to “make it better”. For those individuals with particular personality traits or particular body chemistry, the danger lurks in close proximity to all who are near.

If YOU or someone near you is within the perimeters of this description, do something! Whether it be finding counsel (and if it is for YOU – please – do it now!) or just talking with family to consider action.

SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE IMMEDIATELY>not just for the individual, but also for all who may tread in the same path, either by coincidence, or choice.

It YOU one of the people referred to in the paragraphs above, PLEASE take a slow breathe now in though the nose.  Now exhale slowly through the mouth.  Please do it again several times.

The added oxygen will calm you and help you to think more rationally, and remember, you have already taken the first step towards helping yourself by searching the Internet!  Don’t give up.  Don’t give in.  Connect with someone – perhaps a local group that deals with anger management.  Take time for yourself – you can’t afford not to do so!

If you are totally overwhelmed and need help and don’t know who to turn to you can email:  mo@jett.net.You are not alone.

We’ve all been there!

Life gets harder in the long run.  This statement is not meant to discourage you.  It is simply a fact, another stress that must be met head-on.  That doesn’t mean you can’t meet the challenge.  You were born with an instinct to survive, and along this journey in life there are times that are so spectacular that the “down time” can be met with the knowledge you will be stronger and wiser as years increase.

Part of the reason that life gets harder is because our bodies age, and with aging comes some problems that we just can’t avoid.  Some can be avoided with proper nutrition and exercise, but some changes must simply be accepted.

You are encouraged to continue to learn stress management and seek good mental and physical health.  No one in the years past age fifty can promenade “back” to the good old days.  Even those of you in your thirties won’t be able to turn back the clock.  Your age is a done deal, so acceptance is imperative, and your true beauty is honestly reflected in your heart and mind.

When your reality seems more like “bleak than bling”, keep these thoughts in mind.

1.  You are not alone.  Every single human being faces these same problems -aging and sometimes trying to find a reason to live.

2.  If you are aging, you aren’t dead.  If you aren’t dead then there is a reason to live; you just may not recognize it at the moment!   Take time to counsel with others. There is help available, and no one will judge you. We’ve all needed help at one time or another.  Just getting your feelings out in the open and sharing with someone will help.

3.   Part of the reason you may feel that life just isn’t worth it, is the fact these are difficult times, and are often compounded by personal traumas.  Try to sit back and change your perspective of the scenario that is your biggest stumbling block. .  Sometimes we are so emotionally charged we neglect to focus clearly on options.

4.  Enter the world of volunteering your time.  Why? Because you will divert your own attention to something worthwhile and in the process you may find many reasons to live.

5.  Remember the one thing you can count on is CHANGE.  Whatever the problem is – everything can change in the blink of an eye. What seems an insurmountable problem at this moment may be handled in the next moment.

6.  Because you are overwhelmed by stress you have probably begun shallow breathing.  Your body needs oxygen.  Concentrate on deep breathing and getting what you need to supply your body and mind optimally.

7.  If you are using alcohol to “relax”, keep in mind it is a stimulant.  After the rush and purported relaxation there will be the letdown.  The chemical reaction is always the same.  Don’t be deceived.

8. Pray.  It can’t hurt, and even if you don’t believe, you will mentally be releasing your concerns and thoughts. This action can help and is a positive step towards your healing.

A great thought for those thoroughly challenging times:  LIFE ISN’T ABOUT HOW TO SURVIVE THE STORM…BUT HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!