Stress Management Magic

It doesn’t matter how “warm and fuzzy” you feel towards your children, when they reach pre-teen and teenage years, you will begin to feel the stress mount.

These are the times you children will begin to spread their wings and hone their skills for adulthood.  These are the times they will begin to voice strong opinions and do seemingly arrogant acts of defiance.

Remember these things come with the territory and are natural.  Many times what “appears” to be open resistance to your rules are just a natural spurt of independence, perhaps not performed as optimally you would hope for, but nonetheless, this will happen.

First in the line of defense (for your own intellect and calmness in the situation) – use your secret weapon. Begin breathing deeply and slowly and exhaling in the same manner.  This will calm you and help your brain to get the oxygen for a better response.  Being reminded of our gift of breathing is not a bad thing.  The more you are reminded, and use the gift, the more effectively you will handle the myriad of scenarios that will come.

Parents can make a huge difference in providing guidance and support for their teens.  At times it may not seem like your teen wants you around, and he or she may not all the time, but your child really does need you and knows you care.

Try to spend positive times together.  It’s impossible to love your teen too much.  Try to stay close and warm.  Remember to say, “I love you”.

Of course you have to set limits and structure.  You have to be clear in communication and let the teen know what you expect.  Rules and expectations should change throughout your child’s life, but all children need boundaries, discipline and love – and in that order.

One of the most important things is to be consistent.  Be consistent with your partner, and be consistent if you are alone.  Mixed messages can lead to frustration for parents and children.  The children need consistency to help them to learn to structure their lives.

Try to stay involved in your teen’s life.  Ask questions about school, schoolwork, and friends.  Attend your teen’s extracurricular activities.  Whether they say so or not, they NEED to know you are just as interested in them now as when they were younger.  Meet families of those teens that spend a large portion with your teens.

Explain yourself with discussion – not with yelling and abusive language.  Discuss the reasons for your rules and what consequences they may face for not following them.  Respect your teen and the teen will respect you.

TRY WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT not to use HARSH discipline.  Harsh discipline includes yelling, slapping, hitting, and belittling.  If the situation is volatile, take a “break” and each of you pull yourself together and calm down for a while.  Words cut like a knife and you don’t want to regret your years down the road.  Besides, impulsive or reactive behavior just instigates a negative response from your teen and nothing will get accomplished.

Pick your arguments.  There will be many opportunities to disagree, but unless the scenario is life-threatening or really may be a danger to your child, remember they do need to do a certain amount of decision making that is positive and empowering to them.

Your teen is changing.  Physically, emotionally and cognitively, your teen is preparing for life as an adult in a difficult and trying world.  Be patient.  In the long run you will be glad you did.

Keep in mind, these youngsters are experiencing the most stress thus far in their young lives.  Try to be empathetic and remember how difficult it was!

If you need to get help, look for resources locally, and on line.

If you do these things your life and the life of your teen will be one hundred percent better!  Be on the teen’s side from an adult view, not another stumbling block in the path of their maturing.  Remember how much you loved them before this age and still do!

Take a breath and remember:” This too shall pass”.

How to Cope

School is on and parents are all handling it differently! Some can hardly wait for school let out for the holidays, to get the children back to the home environment, and be free of replenishing supplies that are necessary; such as the cost of books and school supplies and clothing.

They relish relinquishing the tasks of shuttling children to school activities and sporting events, PTA, helping with homework, and all the parental duties that go along with those who have children in school.

Others are dreading the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  They envision hours in a day with the kids saying: “Mom (or dad), I’m bored.” “I’m hungry.”  “Can you take me to my friend’s house?”  “It’s too cold to play outside”.  “Can I have friends over?

Either way, with children, there will always be stressful scenarios. Scenarios you can succumb to by letting the stress envelop your being, or scenarios you can deal with by managing the stress effectively.

When you begin to feel yourself paralyzed by the “dread” of things to come, do exactly what you are doing right now!  Take a moment or two to do something for you!  Take a breath.  Seriously.  A bit of mindful breathing is a great beginning.

Whether it’s reading a quick article, just sitting still for a few moments, or taking an unplanned trip to the store to pick up a few things you need or want!

You are DIVERTING your own attention from this anxiety surrounding “school and children”.  Instead of focusing on potential problems in the future, concentrate on something else for the moment.

Diversion is good.  The definition, simply put, is “an instant of turning something aside from its course”. We are only capable of thinking about one thing at a time!

This does not suggest that you will never need to think about the challenges you face, but it will give you just a bit of time (while doing one of these activities or something you choose) to take a breath!

When you breathe, your intellect is sharper.  When you are stressed out your breathing slows without even knowing it, which in turn stresses you out even further.

This is the bottom line.  You will never complete the list of things that need to be done. Something else will always manifest as a potential stressor.

The only time we are done for sure is when we are dead! On going demands will bury you alive though, if you don’t realize that the only way to be in charge is by making the best choices in handling your challenges, and then letting go.

Ninety five percent of all that you spend your life worrying about NEVER COMES TO FRUITION! Honestly!  Worrying about not being able to “take care of all that is necessary”, is simply a waste of your time and energy.

Prioritize, delegate, stay in the moment.  You know what needs to be done. It is about time you give yourself credit for handling so much already!

Remember life will always give us stress to manage, whether it is good or bad.  We may not have the choice in what happens to us, or the demands that challenge us, but we ALWAYS have a choice in the response to these things.

It is not necessary to implode, or explode. Loosing your cool will only worsen the scenario. When you find yourself in the position of having just too much to do, perhaps in too little time, and there is NO WAY to change it, stop for a moment and rethink it!

If you are the person in charge of doing the multitude of tasks that face you, then the only thing you can do is ACCEPT doing what you can, realizing that is the best you can do.  RESPOND calmly and do all that you can do.  That is all you can do!

Is the list “TO DIE FOR”?  Don’t let life’s challenge paralyze you.

The truth is, unless you have someone you can “pass the ball to”, you’d better start using positive affirmations to create those brain cells necessary to take care of business.

Don’t let the negatives overpower you.  Take a breath and think:

“I will get things done to the best of my ability.”

“I will take each moment as it comes and remember that I am capable and dedicated to finding resolve to challenges.”

“I will remember that I can only do so much in one day, one hour, one moment.”

“I will remember that my children and all the children whose paths I cross will look to my attitude and demeanor as either horrible or positive, and they will learn from me.”

If you are a person of faith then truly the first thing that should be done is asking for help.  Just as your children look to you for help and ask repeatedly for it, pray often!  Of course with prayer must come letting go and letting God oversee your needs.  That’s faith.

If you do not believe then your only choice is to decide whether you want to let things drive you crazy, or whether you will simply do what you have to do!  Affirm your capabilities and breadth of intellect sprinkled with the right amount of emotion.

Get ready whatever may be headed your direction.  Stay flexible.  Anticipate all the positive things that will enhance your children’s lives, and remember this time is fleeting.

One day soon you will recall the excitement of these days, wishing you could do it all again. Make them calm and joyous. Make your children glad to be alive and excited about it all.

YOU CAN DO IT!  Take a breath and rock and roll.